Filed under: News | Tags: abe lincoln, Barack Obama, Election, John McCain, McCain, News, Obama
A Little Too Much, But You Get The Point
More than any election before it, this election has shown the deep fissures that have the potential to tear America apart, and I wholeheartedly believe that that is a bad thing. Despite Sarah Palin’s exclusion of my city from her “Real America” and the anti-liberal, anti-educated, and anti-east coast rhetoric that I find personally offensive, I believe with every fiber of my being that from the streets of Arthur Ave. to the streets of Omaha, Nebraska we are Americans and we must stand together. Today, my guy may have beat your guy, or maybe our guy beat someone else’s guy, but tomorrow we must address the problems that face this nation as brothers and sisters, as patriots.
This moment will be a litmus test for all of us as Americans, to move beyond believing the first African-American man to run for office is an anti-American terrorist, and to move beyond the belief that the middle half the country is culturally irrelevant, bigoted and worthless. While the past few weeks have made us seem like a red and blue America, I truly believe that every one of us loves the Red, White and Blue. The time for fearmongering, excuses and attacks is over. The battle is won. Now we must, as Americans, look towards tomorrow and see what we can do to ensure the safety, stability and respectability of this great nation. It will not be easy, but we are not a nation of quitters. We shall overcome. Whether or not Sean Hannity and I would agree on a point by point basis, I think we would both agree that this is the greatest country on earth, and its principals are greater still. Good Night, and God Bless America.
-Sam.
p.s. Nice speech McCain. Really.
Filed under: News | Tags: abe lincoln, Barack Obama, Election, John McCain, McCain, News, Obama
The Warrior
We damn dirty liberals do loves us some blogging. But the drawback with blogs is that anyone can have one, how do you know that the blog is credible? That we’re not reading some glue-huffing, cat food-eating wastrel’s paranoid schizophrenic misinterpretation of current events? Well, you don’t, so, in order to make ourselves even more credible than we are, we at the paper built ourselves a situation room (slash zombie defense bunker). Now we’re up against a pretty strong field. CNN earlier today projected a hologram interview and have a giant electoral touch screen roughly the size of Rhode Island. Touché CNN. Fox News has a zero gravity vacuum where it is literally impossible to generate spin. Some sort of No Spin Zone. MSNBC almost has viewers. So we here at the paper decided to make a situation room that would put all other situation rooms (and panic rooms) to shame. Firstly, we have installed live feeds from every polling station in the United States. 13,000 feeds into 200 televisions, each approximately 2 inches in diameter, that gradually changes color into a giant mural of the projected winner. Your move, Blitzer.
More infrequency after the jump. (more…)
Filed under: Sports | Tags: Air-Bama, Athletics, McCain, Obama, Wrestlin' Mac
With Tuesday, November 4th fast approaching millions of Americans will be making their way to the local church, school, community center to fulfill their civic duties. If your anything like me then you still have no idea which candidate is the better of the two. Despite watching every debate, convention, and countless hours of the omniscient Bill O’Reilly I still don’t know which candidate is the right choice. As a result I’ve decided to make my decision on a much more important topic, sports. Yesterday I had the pleasure of talking to each of the candidates about their athletic and managing abilities in an array of sporting competitions.
Air-bama
Leadership is an important presidential quality, perhaps the most important. To test candidates’s leadership ability I had them create a baseball team. On each team were the candidates most trusted advisors. For Obama he began with what he thought was most important, the general manager. But he didn’t want just one person as his general manager, but rather a team of general managers. He explained that his team of GMs would fundraise across the country through websites, e-mail, direct-mail, and robocalls. According to his calculations he would be able to buy the New York Yankees within two months, an impressive feat. McCain went an entirely different route. He hesitated at first, and then with great confidence McCain stated, “at my various estates there is a lot of ‘help’, these helpers are not just committed to the upkeep of my sweet mansions but also have a second job playing baseball for the Tampa Bay Rays.” McCain wins this one in easily.
The Next Round Of Presidential Olympics After The Jump
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Patriotism: a quality that appeals to the lowest common denominator, subsequently muddling up elections since the dawn of time, and the current center of debate in The Ram’s latest issue. I thoroughly believe that no other country on the face of this Earth has a more convoluted interpretation of patriotism than America, each citizen (myself included) forming their own destructive opinion of what patriotism entails. Like most -isms, patriotism is often forced, phony, and downright disgusting. It has no place amongst rational political discourse, and should under no circumstances be practiced on the campaign trail. Still, in many cases a seasoned political intellectual would be defeated in a presidential race by some flag-waving maniac, a huge problem for America, and a great source of fear for the sane voting public.
See more after the jump!
