Filed under: Sports | Tags: Browns, Cleveland, football, Houston, NFL, Oilers, Sports
the paper Sports, Olde-Timey names, Newe-Timey analysis.
In sports news, the Cleveland Browns narrowly edged out the Houston Oilers in the AFC Divisional round, 13-10. While both teams played teeth-gnashing, jaw-shattering defense, an injury to the Oiler’s Pro Bowl rookie running back Chris Johnson took away Houston’s most powerful ground weapon. Cleveland responded with tremendous play by rookie quarterback “Uncle” Joey Flacco, who marched the team down field for a late field goal to break the 10-10 deadlock. While it would appear that the game clock had expired just before
Looooooserrrrs
Flacco’s 20 yard third-down pass that more or less set up the field goal, the Oilers had to settle for the sad knowledge that it was beyond their control. What wasn’t beyond their control were the three game changing turnovers (all within the Brown’s 25) and Oiler’s kicker Rob Bironas’ missed field goal. All in all, the 13-3 Oilers knew they would face tough competition from Cleveland’s finest, but couldn’t protect the ball, and now they will head home to Space City and watch the Browns take on the winner of tomorrow night’s Pittsburgh Pirates-Los Angeles Chargers game. While the Pirates are now the top seed in the AFC, Los Angeles’ thrashing of the Baltimore Colts behind backup running back Darren Sproles gives them a good head of steam heading into this week’s matchup. Otherwise, the Racine Normals are currently battering the Charlotte
Bully!
Panthers, and the winner of that match will face the winner of tomorrow’s New Jersey Giants/Frankford Yellow Jackets in the NFC title game.
All in all, we’ve seen numerous upsets this playoff season, starting with the Boston’ Patriots playoff snub and continuing through the Frankford Yellow Jackets upsetting the Minneapolis Marines in Minneapolis. Where the playoffs of the American Professional Football Association playoffs will take us in anyone’s guess, but it sure will be an exciting ride.
-Sam
Filed under: Sports | Tags: abe lincoln, football, garbage, Lions, NFL, Sports
This Lion was later mercy killed to make an exotic rug.
Many people wanted to see Daunte Culpepper return to Pro Football, and to his credit; he almost made it. With today’s loss to my Green Bay Packers, the Football Lions of Detroit have emerged as the biggest flock of shit-geese in the eighty-eight year history of the NFL. The Lions have long been regarded as the semi-retarded red-headed fifth stepchild of Pro Football, but even their previous reputation as a pack of heavily padded Trig Palins has been surpassed today as they become the first team in NFL history to go 0-16. Years ago, as documented in George Plimpton’s Paper Lion, Lions quarterback Bobby Layne lead the Lions to three NFL championships, but when the team traded him to Pittsburgh in 1958 he promised the team 50 years of nothing but genital shark attacks and busted draft picks, and Bobby Layne gets his fucking wishes.
More Lion taming (plus a vid) after the jump. (more…)
Filed under: Edits, Sports, Strange Days | Tags: football, NFL, school, Sports, Strange Days, thanksgiving
It’s been a bit of a rough night for those of us named Sam Wadhams. First my beloved Green Bay Packers got absolutely shelled by Drew “allergic to dairy, wheat, gluten, and eggs” Brees, the quarterback for the leading team in my fantasy league.
Even founder of the Wadhams clan, Servilius Euphronius Wadhams, had a bad day once in a while.
A 21-51 loss is humiliating enough, but having to listen to Tony “Foot-Ball?” Kornheiser call the game was almost more than I could bear. At one point he claimed that, due to the numerous injuries to the Saints, they were “picking people up on Bourbon St. on Thursday and putting them in uniform”. This garbage excuse for commentary seemed to offend Ron “Jaws” Jaworski, unfortunately, not enough so that he would grab Kornheiser by the ears and throw him face first through the glass of the booth like he deserves. I do love him on PTI though. So after that crap-humiliating, possibly season-ending loss, I settled in to write a 5 page “industry report” on Esquire magazine, despite almost no knowledge of what an “industry report” is. Tomorrow I get to drive six hours home in the “rain” that will undoubtedly turn to sheet upon sheet of black ice as I get into the colder, darker, northerly territory of my home. But at least I’ll be well reste… oh. At least I’m not being kept up by rats scurrying around my ceilin… oh. Fuck you, Fordham. Fuck you. Fuck my life.
Filed under: Sports | Tags: football, fordham, Sports, Yankee Stadium, Yankees
And because we here at the paper know that the internet is the first place you look to for your daily dose of Fordham Football coverage, we managed to type the words “Fordham” and “football” together in a Google news search and have kindly linked to two stories documenting the Rams thrilling 3-touchdown loss to Holy Cross, 38-17.
Fordham Football... as bewildered as a deer In headlights.
Fordham fell to 4-5 overall on the back of a defensive secondary that managed to give up only 407 yards passing (along with a mere 5 TDs) to Holy Cross QB Dominic Randolph. More importantly, the defending Patriot League Champions managed to prevent a win from scarring their perfect conference record of 0-4.
For more information about the latest pigskin contest to end in despair for your Fordham Rams, look to the International Herald Tribune’s article “Randolph’s 5 TDs lead Holy Cross past Fordham” or the Boston Globe’s article “Randolph, HC rout Fordham.”
And if you’re looking for some real sports coverage you can probably find some over on ESPN, including an interesting piece on how the Yankees’ have decided to scourge their new ballpark with the same cursed home plate and pitching rubber that have seen the most World Series losses (13) of any MLB team. And that’s without even mentioning that whole “greatest-collapse-in-the-history-of-professional-sports” thing that happened back in ‘04.
Good luck carrying all that baggage across the street. Assholes.
-Pete
Mondays are bad days. Garfield hates them. Everyone else hates them. Maybe that girl that sits in the front row of your English class likes them, you know, the one with the weird smell and the huge glasses, but that’s because she has no social life. However, if you are a consumer of clever television commercials, you know that the one redeeming feature of Mondays is that magical game that involves almost no focus on the feet. Once again, I have something to say about Football.
Can you hear me now? Good.
Sweet, Sweet Homo-erotic Release.
Well children, the middle of the term is upon us again. These awful adderall nights and espresso days that just keep rolling over us like a never ending blitzkrieg of papers and exams. I myself am procrastinating right now, though the only substance in my body is Rock Star Pomegranate and a hateful, coffee-black bile in my guts for my Spanish midterm tomorrow. I am no good at Spanish, and I have a feeling that I may be the weak buffalo the wolves pick to thin the herd. But this, ladies and gentlemen, is not a forum for my troubles, heavens no, this is an opportunity for you to escape. This is an opportunity for you to reflect on the monstrous upheaval of the weekend, perfectly timed to celebrate the monstrous upheaval of Columbus’s discovery of the New World. While certainly today it looks like the New World may be coming to a grimy, terrible end, stocks are crashing, banks are failing and the civilized world is waiting with baited breath to see if we still have electricity a year from now, we turn to the one thing that can always tear us away from our troubles and mandatory schoolwork; sports.
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