the paper


An Old Answer To An Old Problem
December 30, 2008, 7:06 am
Filed under: Edits, News | Tags: , , , , , ,
Leftist Rag

Leftist Rag

The lead story from today’s New York Times reports that the death toll in the ongoing Israeli-Palestinian conflict has risen to over 350 people.  Meanwhile Matt Drudge led off today’s news cycle with “INCOMING,” which linked to this story.

Moving away from America’s favorite sensationalist media aggregator-dickhead and into our nation’s journal of record, the Times sees “no early end” to the latest round of violence to stem from the region.  With no end in sight, one wonders what the next chapter of this long and bloodied history will hold.

While few pretend to know the answer–in fact, I rarely pretend to know anything at all–I do contend that I know a good idea when I hear one.  And even though that last sentence may be somewhat incomprehensible, hopefully, these next few will not:

The Middle East crisis is a mess of a war that will probably drag on for centuries unless we take drastic diplomatic steps. Besides looking at the complex historical causes for the bloodshed, consider the present situation: each time one side attacks, the other retaliates on a greater scale. One side needs to refrain from reacting when provoked. Such a course seems simple, but when we look at the desire for revenge we in the U.S. felt after Sept. 11, we can understand that it is no small feat to accomplish.

April 15, 2002

April 15, 2002

Appearing in Time magazine over six years ago and written as a Letter to the Editor by a high school freshman, the idea seems simple enough.  Sounding vaguely similar to another, oft recounted saying, something  involving a “turn” and a “cheek,” an actual stop in retaliation  would require far more strength than either side has yet to show.

In their repeated attempts to resolve this conflict through military might, whether it be rockets from the south or airstrikes from the north, both Hamas and the Israeli government have refused to commit to traveling down the only path that will lead to long term safety and stability. Pursuing a course of diplomacy takes an acknowledged amount of difficulty. Of course retaliation is the easy option. Yet if some jackass high school freshman could come up with this plan, wouldn’t you like to imagine that somebody a little higher up in the chain of command would see it too.

Hopefully it won’t take centuries to happen either.

-PM.



Big Boobs Obama Interviewed By Prosecuters!!!
December 23, 2008, 8:54 pm
Filed under: News | Tags: , , , ,

After riding a wave of admiration over the revelation of his lucious chest and rock hard abs, president elect Obama came into Matt Drudge’s scrutiny again today with a headline blaring “President Elect Interviewed By Prosecutors”  with a rather incriminating pic of Obama and Blagojevich talking (probably about something evil, like faking birth certificates).

So what’s the deal Drudge? Is the honeymoon over? Was the love-affair done when ‘Bam put his clothes back on? What’s the scoop, snoop? Ohhhhhhhh wait, your top story is a link to a story on The Smoking Gun, which is pretty much the Gauck office for the TMZ crowd… still waiting on the New York Times to comment.

In other Drudge related news:

Laxin' with Vlad

Laxin' with Vlad

Sometimes things just speak for themselves… Matt Drudge’s readers: Russian loving anti-Americans.

-Charles



Matt Drudge Has Lost His Mind (Again)
December 22, 2008, 11:43 pm
Filed under: News | Tags: , , ,

It’s no secret that Barry Obama possesses the best man-rack of any president on record, and we here at the paper have been pretty open about our Obamasession; but Matt Drudge took the man love to a new level  on his website today after paparazzi took some magma hot pics of the President-elect in Hawaii.

The Obama-nips, converting far right ideologues one pec at a time.

The Obama-nips, converting far right ideologues one pec at a time.

President Beefcacke?! In all caps!? Tell me how you really feel, Matty! Is this the definition of a slow newsday on a website designed specifically for the on-the-go-illiterate, or is this the beginning of a beautiful friendship creepy online obsession? In the end, I guess that this is the online alternative to that trashy leftist rag the New York Times.

-Charles



Melty Mac Is Talkin’ Comeback
October 13, 2008, 1:08 am
Filed under: Edits, News | Tags: , , , , ,

Hampered with an unending economic crisis, shifting cultural tides, a face that is struggling to adhere to his skull and a genuinely stupid running mate, John McCain has very loudly slid in national and swing state polls. But for all you Young Republicans who may have accidentally stumbled onto this site, don’t you fret a bit, our boy Mac is talkin’ comeback. 

Now, most of you reading this will say, that’s not newsworthy in the slightest. I couldn’t agree anymore, a losing candidate saying “I’m gonna try to not lose this one” shouldn’t under any circumstances be a headline, but media aggregator, Matt Drudge disagrees! Putting the story of John McCain wheezing out the oh-so-clever line that he was going to “whip” Barack Obama’s “you-know-what” is pretty fuckin’ stupid; but putting the story as your top headline and linking it under “READY FOR COME BACK” is really, really stupid, like Oliver Stone stupid. That headline is a few dead brain cells away from a LOLCATZ headline… “John McCain CAN HAZ COMBAK!?”

But, I digress… The news for this weekend is, John McCain, despite popular rumor, is still running for President.

Until then, debate Wednesday. Get pumped. 

-Charles



Matt Drudge Doesn’t “Get” Sarcasm
September 25, 2008, 2:45 pm
Filed under: Edits | Tags: , , , , ,
Internet media aggregator, and otherwise illiterate paranoid, Matt Drudge (of Drudge Report fame), has always had a tough time “decoding” sarcasm and satire into “Straight Talk” English. Most recently, The Drudge Report mistook a Politico piece that “confessed” that the vaunted New York Times crossword puzzle is, in fact, liberally biased, as… an actual confession that the NYT crossword puzzle has a liberal slant that runs five across.
Check out the “confession”, here.
Ya finally got 'em, Matty!

Ya finally got 'em, Matty!

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