the paper

Sparks, the alcohol-and-energy drink that let you get drunk even when you were sleepy, died from an apparent attempt at  corporate responsibility on Thursday. It was six years old.

The death was of unnatural causes, say drunkards, as the drink was wildly popular to the day of its death.

In 2002, the McKenzie River Corporation gave birth to Sparks in San Francisco, a necessary creation for people who had to “walk up really fucking steep hills” during a night of drinking. Though the Red Bull and vodka and the eight ball and a shot (and, to a lesser extent, the 40 and a cup of coffee) had been popular for years, no one had dreamed of combining booze and rage-inducing stimulants in one neon orange can. Sparks dared to dream that dream.

Sparks spent the next few years giving back to the world. Giving hipsters something to feel ironic about; giving dude-bros some energy after a long day of drinking and homoeroticism; giving girls something that didn’t “taste as icky as beer.”

One night, Sparks was visited by the angel Gabriel, who told it that was bearing the children of the Holy Spirit. Soon after that, Sparks gave birth to fraternal twins, a miraculous Virgin Birth. Sparks Plus, whose black can belied its warm soul, was a 7% version of its parent, and Sparks-Lite, wrapped in a beautiful blue can, was always there for the weight-watcher who still wanted to make bad decisions.

Family photo, circa 2006

“One time I had four of them and my chest started to hurt,” said Brodie Chadwick of the University of Eastern Long River, who described himself as ‘the shit.’ “How am I going to get rowdy before the big game against Eastern Long River State?”

During its life, Sparks pushed for a radically increased ability to enjoy one’s self past 4 am on a Saturday night, and was a major force behind idiocy, drunkenness and overall joviality.

Sadly, Sparks’ enduring energy could not last forever. It succumbed to a coalition of state attorney generals on Thursday, hell bent on destruction. 

“They are fundamentally dangerous and put drinkers of all ages at risk,” crusading New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo said, who, citing the recent Eliot Spitzer precedent, then went behind closed doors and bonged 4 Sparks.

During an SABMiller press conference about the death of its popular drink, a spokesperson from the South African beer conglomerate  spoke incomprehensibly in Afrikaans, though a translator later reported that the comments were generally on the merits apartheid and not the recent passing.

The drink is survived by its brother, Steel Reserve, and other drinks that don’t have caffeine in them and make you sleepy.

Sparks, 2002 – 2008

-Bill