Filed under: Strange Days | Tags: abe lincoln, Busey, Gary Busey, Strange Days, the internet
Ladies and Gentlemen,
We here at the internet are known to be the most talented and compulsive hypemasters since Flavor Flav. Every two or three days, the internet (not our internet, the whole thing) bequeaths unto us something so strange-mazing that we are compelled to describe it as the digital equivalent of the return of a non-zombie jesus. Well, that was all bullshit. I give you the Gary Busey Soundboard. Use it with caution
"I'm being guided by invisible forces"
Filed under: Earwax | Tags: abe lincoln, T.I., Paper Trail, Earwax, Best of 2008, 2008, remebering 2008
The third in a series of very lazy year end posts that, like a good clip show, celebrate our best moments of the year with absolutely no creative effort of any kind. The following review first appeared in our October 28th issue.
T.I., Paper Trail, (Atlantic Records)
By Sam Wadhams
Editor-At-Large
Things have been interesting for T.I. lately. The rapper released T.I. vs. T.I.P., which went platinum. Awesome. Then he got set up on a gun buy by his bodyguard and arrested by federal agents. Bummer. Then he made another album, Paper Trail, the contents of which happen to account for roughly 50% of all music currently played on the radio. He’s under house arrest and looking at serving time in prison starting in 2009. Bummer. Paper Trail goes gold on release. Sweet. (more…)
Filed under: Sports | Tags: abe lincoln, football, garbage, Lions, NFL, Sports
This Lion was later mercy killed to make an exotic rug.
Many people wanted to see Daunte Culpepper return to Pro Football, and to his credit; he almost made it. With today’s loss to my Green Bay Packers, the Football Lions of Detroit have emerged as the biggest flock of shit-geese in the eighty-eight year history of the NFL. The Lions have long been regarded as the semi-retarded red-headed fifth stepchild of Pro Football, but even their previous reputation as a pack of heavily padded Trig Palins has been surpassed today as they become the first team in NFL history to go 0-16. Years ago, as documented in George Plimpton’s Paper Lion, Lions quarterback Bobby Layne lead the Lions to three NFL championships, but when the team traded him to Pittsburgh in 1958 he promised the team 50 years of nothing but genital shark attacks and busted draft picks, and Bobby Layne gets his fucking wishes.
More Lion taming (plus a vid) after the jump. (more…)
Filed under: About Us, News | Tags: abe lincoln, About Us, meeting, writing
MEETING!
Which one of them just farted?
For those of you who read this, the paper is having one of its final meaningful meetings of the year TONIGHT, 8pm in the Ramskellar. This weekend is a production weekend as well so if you have anything you want to submit before the year’s end, come to the meeting or e-mail us at paper.fordham@gmail.com. Especially if you’re writing for Sports. Especially if you’re writing for Sports.
Filed under: News | Tags: abe lincoln, Barack Obama, Election, John McCain, McCain, News, Obama
A Little Too Much, But You Get The Point
More than any election before it, this election has shown the deep fissures that have the potential to tear America apart, and I wholeheartedly believe that that is a bad thing. Despite Sarah Palin’s exclusion of my city from her “Real America” and the anti-liberal, anti-educated, and anti-east coast rhetoric that I find personally offensive, I believe with every fiber of my being that from the streets of Arthur Ave. to the streets of Omaha, Nebraska we are Americans and we must stand together. Today, my guy may have beat your guy, or maybe our guy beat someone else’s guy, but tomorrow we must address the problems that face this nation as brothers and sisters, as patriots.
This moment will be a litmus test for all of us as Americans, to move beyond believing the first African-American man to run for office is an anti-American terrorist, and to move beyond the belief that the middle half the country is culturally irrelevant, bigoted and worthless. While the past few weeks have made us seem like a red and blue America, I truly believe that every one of us loves the Red, White and Blue. The time for fearmongering, excuses and attacks is over. The battle is won. Now we must, as Americans, look towards tomorrow and see what we can do to ensure the safety, stability and respectability of this great nation. It will not be easy, but we are not a nation of quitters. We shall overcome. Whether or not Sean Hannity and I would agree on a point by point basis, I think we would both agree that this is the greatest country on earth, and its principals are greater still. Good Night, and God Bless America.
-Sam.
p.s. Nice speech McCain. Really.
Filed under: News | Tags: abe lincoln, Barack Obama, Election, John McCain, McCain, News, Obama
The Warrior
We damn dirty liberals do loves us some blogging. But the drawback with blogs is that anyone can have one, how do you know that the blog is credible? That we’re not reading some glue-huffing, cat food-eating wastrel’s paranoid schizophrenic misinterpretation of current events? Well, you don’t, so, in order to make ourselves even more credible than we are, we at the paper built ourselves a situation room (slash zombie defense bunker). Now we’re up against a pretty strong field. CNN earlier today projected a hologram interview and have a giant electoral touch screen roughly the size of Rhode Island. Touché CNN. Fox News has a zero gravity vacuum where it is literally impossible to generate spin. Some sort of No Spin Zone. MSNBC almost has viewers. So we here at the paper decided to make a situation room that would put all other situation rooms (and panic rooms) to shame. Firstly, we have installed live feeds from every polling station in the United States. 13,000 feeds into 200 televisions, each approximately 2 inches in diameter, that gradually changes color into a giant mural of the projected winner. Your move, Blitzer.
More infrequency after the jump. (more…)
Spoooky!
Hello children,
We here at the paper are currently winding down production on our latest issue, to hit newsstands on Wednesday. Theres a lot going on, from spooky Halloween movies to spooky election stuff. Co-Editor-In-Chief Bill Donahue did some live blogging from the World Series in Philadelphia, which will later appear not live and not in a blog. Until it then gets put on the blog. Sports has an all-out NBA preview and some school Rugby coverage. Arts has the paper’s dance instructor and master impressionist Alex Gibbons banging out a review of Oliver Stone’s new film W. Earwax covers T.I., Devin the Dude, Annuals and more. News has some election coverage, some Iraq coverage, and covers the world, and of course Edits has some of the finest personal essays never to be submitted as part of a college application.
Things that are not covered in this issue include an American attack on Syrian soil, evolution and Teen Wolf. But, despite not producing much on Friday and Saturday of homecoming weekend (too busy showing alumns the construction and recently renamed North), we sat down in our writing pants and put together one of the finest issues of the paper since the domestication of livestock. So start counting down, and when you see it in your dorm or caf or classroom building, make sure to stomp your feet and hold your breath until somebody buys you a copy. It’s free, but it’ll make you feel powerful. But to get yourself in the mood for the spookiest weekend of the year, have fun watching some imprisoned Phillipinos dance out Thriller on a massive scale and be happy you’re not the dude who has to play the girlfriend.
-Sam
Sweet, Sweet Homo-erotic Release.
Well children, the middle of the term is upon us again. These awful adderall nights and espresso days that just keep rolling over us like a never ending blitzkrieg of papers and exams. I myself am procrastinating right now, though the only substance in my body is Rock Star Pomegranate and a hateful, coffee-black bile in my guts for my Spanish midterm tomorrow. I am no good at Spanish, and I have a feeling that I may be the weak buffalo the wolves pick to thin the herd. But this, ladies and gentlemen, is not a forum for my troubles, heavens no, this is an opportunity for you to escape. This is an opportunity for you to reflect on the monstrous upheaval of the weekend, perfectly timed to celebrate the monstrous upheaval of Columbus’s discovery of the New World. While certainly today it looks like the New World may be coming to a grimy, terrible end, stocks are crashing, banks are failing and the civilized world is waiting with baited breath to see if we still have electricity a year from now, we turn to the one thing that can always tear us away from our troubles and mandatory schoolwork; sports.
(more…)
In a time of economic hardship, political unrest and federal deficit, the United States Mint has the wisdom and vision to unite all Americans in saying “Fuck the Lincoln Memorial”. The Mint has done away with pesky pennies, America’s least valuable coin and the only money in production that the U.S. produces at a loss. Pennies, which most American’s deem unworthy of picking up off the ground, are an undeniable pest and often create transactions costs that outweigh their value. The destruction of the penny would be a tremendous boon to the government and citizen of the United States, were it not being replaced by four types of pennies commemorating the bicentennial of Lincoln’s birth and 100th anniversary of the Lincoln Head penny’s release. The new pennies, which I can only assume are produced at an even greater cost to taxpayers, furthering our national debt pennies at a time, include such incredible and necessary items, as seen after the jump. (more…)
