All of this political talk and the economy disintegrating beneath us has been all over the internet. (Meaning our blog, and the internet as a whole. Convenient.) So I thought I would not only pick something lighter to write about, but pick something with absolutely no basis on reality. No, not The Hills! Gossip Girl. And I’ll spare you the “OHMYGAWD, I’m so embarrassed I watch this” bullshit. Because, well, I am. And it makes me kind of sad to dwell on what I’m talking about here.
SO. Did anyone else see this episode. So much happened(?). Where to begin?
Well, we immediately find out it’s Fashion Week. As Fordham students, I know New York is your campus, guys. So I KNOW you can totally relate to how hectic Fashion Week is for all of us. And it’s just as hectic for high school kids on the Upper East Side.
Highlights after the jump.
1. Dan suddenly wants to go to Yale, not Dartmouth. Lucky for the poor kid from Brooklyn, the editor of the Paris Review and apparent Pulitzer Prize winner decides he has nothing better to do than proofread a no name’s college application essays.
2. Lily is the coolest mom on the Upper East Side (according to her daughter), because she posed nude for some famous painter photographer. Well, that’s pretty gross.
3. Serena is ruining Blair’s life because she’s two steps away from flashing her vagina whilst stepping out of a limo with Paris Hilton (read: she’s become a socialite after befriending some bitch name Poppy Lipton — heir to the Lipton Iced Tea fortune?!). All the lemmings at school think Serena might be Queen Bee this week.
4. So the Paris Review guy reveals that he thinks Dan’s writing is shitty and won’t get him into Yale. Oh. Okay, now inviting the unknown to be your protégé makes sense. Because…you know…that’s what famous authors do. They pick random kids who can’t write and try to get them into Ivy League Schools. Duh. So how is Dan supposed to become a better writer? Well, this guy (is a liar and says) Charles Bukowski shot a shot glass off of his head when he was younger. That is why he is a good writer. Yeah. And so, Dan is supposed to find his own Bukowski.
5. Eleanor Waldorf realizes she needs some A-Listers to attend her upcoming fashion show, so little Jenny Humphrey suggests asking Serena and her new socialite friends to attend. Because, you know, they’re more famous than Kirsten Dunst, who apparently isn’t as known as Serena. This does not go over well with Blair. She and Serena are supposed to hang out in the back like always! Jenny has to die now.
6. Dan’s Bukowski is Chuck Bass. So Dan asks him if he can booze with him. Chuck says yes, because who’s not down for boozing with someone you don’t really like or know that well? They start off the night by splitting 6 shots and taking pills?!?!!! Sounds like they’re roofie-ing themselves.
So when we catch up with the two of them after their cuh-razy night (Dan: “Who knew there was a sex club behind the White Castle?) in the back of the limo, the roofie theory seems even more likely (although the both somehow seem more or less sober). Chuck whispers to Dan to take off his shoes. I really thought Chuck was going to…I dunno…but alas he just makes him walk home without his shoes. And y’know, such a poor kid from a huge loft in Williamsburg, can’t hail a cab or anything.
7. Blair tells Jenny’s dad that Jenny hasn’t been going to school. Jenny’s dad seems mad? I really can’t tell…the facial expression range with that guy is almost as bad as Serena’s.
8. So Dan goes back to Paris Review guy with his “night on the town with Chuck Bass” story (In which he has changed the name Chuck Bass to Charlie Trout. Yeah.), and the guy doesn’t like it! Not enough humanity! Dig deeper! Find out secrets!
9. We find out Bart bought the nude piqz of Lily van der Woodsen (or is she Lily Bass?). Yawn. This storyline is too boring.
10. Charlie Trout, I mean, Chuck Bass calls his dad and asks him to get drinks. His dad — aka the same character from the OC who plays Adam Brody’s grandpa, am I right?! — doesn’t really care and has jet lag. Dan conveniently hears this and begins to booze slash uncomfortably interview Chuck Trout about his life. Then Chuck mistakes some girl at the bar for a hooker, because any girl who wears a black strapless dress and has red hair obvs sells herself. Her boyfriend (for some silly reason!) gets made about this and confronts Chuck (who seems to be wearing the grey version of that Willy Wonka tuxedo he wore last week) and Dan punches that guy for having the tenacity to defend his girlfriend from being called a hooker. Chuck and Dan go to jail.
11. Blair is sad that Serena is the new Paris or whoever is a socialite in New York City today, so she tries a bunch a plans that would potentially ruin her own mother’s fashion show but would definitely be a big “fuck you” to Serena. It’s all incredibly unrealistic (gasp!), but long story short Blair sends all the models away and Jenny decides to get the crew of socialites to walk in the show — including Serena.
12. Serena almost grows a soul and doesn’t walk in the show because she thinks it’ll make Blair even more sad. But then her new friend Poppy tells her that she shouldn’t hang out with people who make you feel “less sparkly,” and generally instructs her to be a hurricane force bitch and plow down everyone in her path.
13. So Serena walks in the show, but not before Blair replaces her dress with one that Jenny Humphrey made (which also happened to be lying around backstage)! But (oh my!) everyone in the crowd loves the dress! And no one could tell the difference in the handiwork of a 15 year-old versus a famous fashion designer. While Eleanor and Jenny are freakin’ out backstage, Serena is fucking out of control on the catwalk…refusing to leave and spinning in circles more than Diddy did in Diddy Obama blog.
14. Meanwhile, IN JAIL, Chuck and Dan totally bond. Well, actually Dan just continues to subtlely interview Chuck for his stories and Chuck reveals he thinks his dad hates him because Chuck’s mom died while giving birth to him (just like My Girl, y’all). Dan finally gets his secret.
15. Chuck finds the first draft of the Charlie Trout story when he’s getting out of jail and realizes this friendship is nothing but application fodder. He’s all, “No one uses Chuck Bass!” And I lied about my mom’s death! And rot in jail!
16. There is something in an envelope that is some sort of dirt Bart has on Lily. Yawn. I hope this is like half the mysteries in Lost and we never hear about this again.
17. The famous author guy gets Dan out of jail. Because when you can’t reach your dad, that’s who you call! The author guy is so excited about the Charlie Trout secrets, but Dan feels bad, so they guy says he’s a bad author. No writing is involved, but it all seems to amount to an Ivy League bust.
Jenny has also dropped out of school to pursue child labor. Her dad is mad?
19. Blairs tells Serena she is le sad Serena ditched out on their tradition. Serena repeats Poppy in so many words and tells Blair that she makes her not as sparkly and she’s just not going to take it anymore!
20. Just to make it an even 20 — Nate is nowhere to be seen in this episode. No one really notices.
Alright, I’m gonna go vomit now.